wellness | community action

Neighbours, Friends and Families

Supporting Women at Risk

By Jane Antoniak We?ve all been taught to mind our own business ? especially when it comes to the family matters of our neighbours, friends or extended family. However, a powerful provincial campaign that started right here in London to help women at risk of abuse is turning that notion on its head. ?We are trying to go beyond the traditional response of having professionals involved,? says Barb MacQuarrie, Community Director, Centre for Research & Education on Violence against Women and Children at the University of Western Ontario. ?This whole program started with the idea of women helping women. We already have a good set of first responders and professionals, but what we find through research is that most people, when they experience abuse, don?t see a professional. They see neighbours, friends and family. So we knew we needed to educate the public with basic response skills so that they don?t turn away but instead commit themselves to be a supportive source to a woman at risk of abuse.? And so, from its humble roots in London, the Neighbours, Friends and Families program was launched across Ontario in June 2006. A community kit has been created and distributed that includes bro chures, safety cards, a website (www.neighboursfriendsandfamilies.on.ca), presentations/training sessions and communications activities. The program is based on an adapted version of the Neighbour to Neighbour kit which was created by the London Coordinating Committee to End Women Abuse. The key to the program is to be able to recognize woman abuse in your local area. Neighbours, friends and family may suspect that abuse is happening but they may also worry that they could make the situation worse by getting involved. The opposite is actually true, according to MacQuarrie. ?One of the most important things is not to judge but to express our concern about what we have seen and especially our concern for the woman?s safety and the safety of her children,? she says. By focusing on the safety of a woman and her children, a friend or neighbour can then try to help an abused woman, or a woman at risk of abuse, to develop her own safety plan. Part of the campaign materials outline how to help someone be safe in the home or if they leave the home. ?Above all else, the most important thing is to remember that you are in a supportive role, not in a decision-making role. So your neighbour, friend or family member needs to know that when she is ready to make a call or wants you to help, you are there and ready to help her,? says MacQuarrie. The program also tries to enable people to approach male abusers. While this may seem like a risky suggestion, there are key steps to take if you think your brother, friend, neighbour or coworker is abusing a woman or is at risk to do so. The key is being able to approach someone you have a relationship with and to do so in calm manner by choosing the right time and place to have a full discussion of what you have seen or heard ? and not to do so in the heat of the moment.? By expressing concern and caring for him, for his relationships with his partner and for his children, you can let him know that there is help available,? says MacQuarrie. In London, many men have received help through Changing Ways (www.changingways.on.ca), which runs programs to help men eliminate their abusive and violent behaviours in their relationships. Men can at- tend on a voluntary basis. This time of year can be particularly difficult for abused women or for women at risk of abuse. Some women are isolated from their abusive family members and that isolation and loneliness can be heightened at this time of year. They may feel pressure to return to their family from others in the family and by doing so could put themselves at risk. Instead, December can be an ideal time for abused women to receive a variety of community services, which are often increased during the holidays. Many London community centres and social service organizations recognize the extra need to reach out to the isolated and lonely at this time of the year. For instance, South London Community Centre offers a Friday lunch for social interaction. Groups such as Family Services Thames Valley and community centres such as Crouch and Glen Cairn are wellknown for their outreach. Daya is a unique London organization that offers individual, couple and family counselling. (www.dayacounselling.on.ca) A spiritual community-based organization, Daya comes from the ancient Sanskrit word for compassion. It is just one example of the many diverse ways that London responds to the needs of abused women. Most important is to recognize loneliness in our neigbours, friends and family and be aware that the Norman Rockwell version of the holidays is not a possibility for women who have fled family for safety reasons. ?We all like the ideal picture in our heads of what this holiday should be like,? says MacQuarrie. ?But it can be extra lonely if we feel like we are not living up to this cultural ideal. Abused women can be quite vulnerable and feel pressure to return to a risky situation ? and that pressure can come from the abuser or from family who don?t understand the abuse or who deny it. This is when other people need to step in and offer other options.? For those who are prepared to take action, get involved and be a strong neighbour, friend or family member to a woman at risk of abuse, MacQuarrie emphasizes that we remind ourselves that it is okay to get involved. In fact, research done at her organization shows that abusive situations will escalate if we do nothing ? if we mind our own business. As the Neighbours, Friends and Families program grows (and it is now in more than 100 communities across Ontario), MacQuarrie and her team at the Centre believe that our culture is shifting to accept that this new, grassroots way of dealing directly with abused women and male abusers ? the ordinary people in our community ? will encourage more people to get the professional help they need. ?We all need to help people feel safe and less isolated, which is the most useful thing to break down violence,? says MacQuarrie. ?To me, when average people who don?t work in this field are confident enough to approach a woman and say, ?I?ve noticed something is happening. I hope you are okay. Here is some information and here is a place where you can go to get help,? when people of all walks of life can reach out and offer empathy and support, then we will build a safer community.? Additional Resources: In London, women can call the Women?s Crisis Line at the Court House or contact the London Abused Women?s Centre at 519-432-2204. Abused Women?s 24-hour Helpline: 1-800-265-1576 or 519-642-3000 (telephone and TTY). JANE ANTONIAK is a London communicator and freelance writer. www.citywoman.ca ISSUE TWO: DECEMBER/JANUARY 2009 CITYWOMAN | 25

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